January 20, 2011

Just another day in the life...

Dear Neighbor,

This shouldn't come as a surprise to you since we only moved here five months ago, but I don't speak Deutsch. I unfortunately didn't have the option to take Intro to German language class in high school. I am beginning to understand very little - Ich spreche ein bisschen Deutsch. See I'm trying to learn it, I really am - but I haven't yet developed those special back tongue muscles to pronounce some of the German words that are completely opposite of the English language. 


Furthermore, raising your voice and yelling at me in a language I don't understand every time I see you isn't going to help me learn - it just pisses me off and forces me to wish secret hexes against you. When I yell back " YOU KNOW I DON'T SPEAK GERMAN!" don't correct me with "Ich spreche kein Deutsch" - Trust me when I say that I have that phrase down - I am speaking English back to you because you are the meanest lady I have ever met and I don't want to converse with you. 
And honestly, what the hell are you yelling at me for all of the time anyway? Do you not like my dog? Do you not like my hair color? I don't understand what the problem is - we keep to ourselves up here. If anything, I should be yelling at you for referring to us as Indians on the dumb cleaning board you posted in the stairwell. We have a last name. It's on our mailbox, it's on the door buzzer outside of the apartment complex, and it's on our personal door buzzer which I know you see when you mop the entire stairwell and leave a distinctive line NOT cleaning outside of our door. Really lady? You messed with the wrong person - when it's "Indians" day to clean the stairwell next week I am stomping muddy footprints outside of your door in the design of a smiley face.
And one last thing - STOP mopping the floor at 12 in the afternoon. I personally choose to do it after dinner time because I take other people into consideration and I am not selfish enough to think that I am the only person who lives here. Other people are obviously going to be walking in and out of the complex throughout the day. When my dog is crying by the door because he has to release himself, I'm not waiting for the dumb stairs to dry. Now that we have that squared away, stop getting your panties in a tight twist - I'm pretty sure I saw fire shoot out of your ears today and I'm concerned  for your well being.

Sincerely,
The girl upstairs who will say a prayer tonight that next season we are replaced with a 20 year old who turns this apartment into a rip-roaring bachelor pad and keeps you up all night long so you really have something to complain about -- and who also wishes she could teach Brutus how to poop on command so that we could leave you a little present on your ugly brown Willkommen door mat the day we finally leave this place.

PS - TJ once referred to you as the bitchy old man downstairs. This caused a little argument going back and forth between the two of us regarding your gender. I just thought you should know. 
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18 comments

  1. hahahaha.. this cracks me up :).... oh foreign neighbors... we had someone similar to that in Russia... (LIKE I KNOW RUSSIAN???)... And did similar stuff, except would come up to our apt at 8am banging on the door (because she couldn't let me know the THE NIGHT BEFORE) that they were plowing the parking lot NOW and that i need to move my car a million miles away in -100 degrees weather.. while i'm in my PJ's... ugh.. and the only word she seemed to know in english was NOW NOW NOW!

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  2. Haha, I love that Ms. Hannigan is your neighbor. What a bia! A friend of mine here is having a problem with her German housemate as well. I gave her some good advise last night that I will now share with you: Poop in her dryer. Simple and effective (not that I would really know). Burn baby burn

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  3. I love the part about the 20 year old players that will be there in the next season...if only she knew how lucky she is to have a nice"family" in a player's apartment!! She will get what is due!!!

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  4. You should record this little message in one of those voice cards from Hallmark and slide it under her doorway. After you dirty up the entranceway of course... With love!

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  5. Love this letter! I think I would only learn the bad words in Deutsch to speak to her. Maybe that would shut her up. I had a neighbor like that once. Its awful. I really hope she lets up.

    Love your blog!:D

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  6. And this is why I don't understand the concept of "If you want to learn the language, immerse yourself in it." Although you haven't been there very long, so you probably don't know much beyond that phrase. So see if you can find German classes taught by someone who knows English. Or join clubs or groups with nice and considerate people who will be happy to help you learn (unless you've looked for either and haven't had any luck). Just a thought.

    As for the cleaning part, I've been there. A couple years ago, my first year in an apartment, I lived with a clean freak who mopped the tiled floors at inopportune times (the kitchen, entryway, and upstairs bathroom were all tiled). Usually around lunch time, knowing full well they would need at least an hour to dry. Never once did she ask me if I needed to get into the kitchen or use the bathroom. I did a couple times consider not stepping around the entryway to get out (it was only a foot by foot square) and making it dirty, but I was too afraid to make her made, causing her to make my life worse. She was very insistent on cleaning herself (I guess my Swiffer wasn't good enough for her) so I never got the opportunity to do what you will do. Again, though, I would have been too scared of her reaction. :/

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  7. ahhh i had a mean neighbour when I lived in Germany too!

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  8. Love this post.....and LOVE your blog!
    I'm a new follower and I think you are hilarious!

    Amy's Life @
    www.amyclairejacob.blogspot.com

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  9. OMG that is hilarious! Reminds me of a real East Indian neighbor that we had last year in our old apartment. We were upstairs and they were downstairs. Our balcony was made up of wood planks. Obviously, they have spaces which would drip water downstairs. They had a fit when we watered our plants located at our balcony because of water dripping on their hanging clothes. They hung their clothes in front of their house with a nylon cord. They never use their dryers. Yikes. So, this blog of yours is nostalgic. hehe

    http://brownbugz.blogspot.com

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  10. Yes! I have been waiting for this. A post in which KY completely lets loose.

    Our 'land lady' was phenomenal in Germany but one of the neighbors didn't like us so much. I tried (and I mean really tried) to converse with her but all I got was that it had something to do with garbage or recycling. I think she thought we produced too much? Or maybe I was putting it in the wrong bin (in my defense there were seven of them and they weren't labeled)? But no one gives you an instruction manual - you just figure it out. I was only there for two months, I hadn't learned everything yet.

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  11. haha, too funny... oh the joys of living abroad. I swear we could all write a book!

    on a totally different note- I have some questions about that cleanse you did a few weeks ago... what's the best way to get ahold of you? I'm thinking of doing something similar and was hoping you'd be willing to give me some tips beyond what google can provide me with! :)

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  12. OH my gosh, this was GREAT! :) I CANNOT believe she refers to you as Indians!! She sounds about as pleasant as an enema.

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  13. That's hilarious!!! Thanks for sharing! :) Maybe you should learn a rude phrase in German and yell that back at her... Then she'll leave you alone!

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  14. You go girl!!! Teach that mean German lady a lesson....She should know better than to mess with Baahhhhsten girls...or Indians for that matter haha. We GOTTA get Brutus in on this and have him leave her some "presents" ;o)

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  15. Hahahaha, I love it. You're so funny!

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  16. 1st off ... LOVE the pic of miss Hannigan ahahahahah!! dern, this lady sounds like a nightmare * hang in there! so good to get it off ur chest ~ holla ;)

    cheers from ur latest stalk-eeer *

    http://cleansheetsonsundays.blogspot.com/

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  17. *howling* So you two don't play well? Yelling at you won't help you to learn the language? WHY NOT? It must be frustrating to try to understand and then get yelled at. I don't know why people do that to folks who don't speak the language.

    IF you do the smiley thing, be sure to post a picture. *lol*

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  18. Haha, I still love this story. You will always have the nice people of Germany to remember, right?! I know you are having a good ol' busy time at home, but I am glad you had time to link up to the hop I hosted this weekend. I know I'll be talking to ya soon!

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