February 21, 2012

"I Am Not The Same Person Having Seen The Moon Shine On The Other Side Of The World." - Mary Anne Radmacher

Life is funny.

When we moved to Germany last season I couldn't work for nine months. I filled my time with "things". Blogging, crafting, cooking, baking, thrifting. Simple things.

When TJ and I made the decision to stay in the States for hockey this year we built up a lot of expectations

I was ecstatic to be able to pay for groceries with dollar bills again. To feel comfortable driving down the highway again. To only be 1,750 miles from home instead of 3,750.

When we moved to Texas this season I felt the need to make up for lost time.....I made the decision to try to go back to the on-the-go, busy life that I had five years ago before I met TJ and left home to travel with him.

My days here were quickly filled with work and dance. That's where my 'happy' used to be, it only felt natural that incorporating those two things back into my life would please me. I declared that I was tired of traveling with TJ and that I was going to focus on me and stay here in Texas with or without him. In December I began working one job from 9-6, a second job from 6-9, and squeezing in dance classes when I wasn't working. For two months straight I was working, dancing, or driving in the car.....and guess what? 

I wasn't happy. Something just didn't feel right. 

And it was very frustrating, actually depressing to me that I was trying so hard to become that same person that I was a few years ago, and that my efforts were failing me.

I finally had a "day off" from work two weeks ago. It was a Saturday. A day to breathe. A day to sleep in. A day to let my mind rest. A day to park the car, sit on the couch, and figure out what the hell was going on inside of me.

That was the day that I picked up the phone and quit job 2. The day that I decided I'm not auditioning for DCC. The day that I bought a box of wine and cleaned our apartment from top to bottom. Scrubbed the refrigerator. Organized the pantry, my closet, and spice cabinet. I somehow made those Blueberry Crumb Muffins 5 glasses of wine in, too.

It was the day that I realized that I am a different woman now. That my happiness, though simple, has changed. My happy comes from keeping a clean home. Cooking healthy meals and delicious treats. Enjoying JerzDays on the couch with my fubby, a glass of wine and pizza. Blogging. Taking pictures. Going to TJ's hockey games. 

My good friend Josie just wrote a blog post entitled "It's A Good Life If You Don't Weaken" that really spoke to me. Within her post she explained how striving for nostalgia can be dangerous. Be warned that my digestion of what she wrote may actually not be what she intended (if you read her blogger profile, she refers to herself as a Superhero. She's not kidding. She's the JNN of CNN), but this is what I took away from it, and I think it's a good reminder for anyone who is reading this that may be experiencing what I just went through: She reminded me that I was plagued with tough problems and mishaps back during the days that I have been nostalgic for, but that I'm allowing my prior achievements and pride from the past to overshadow those problems because it's a familiar place to go to in my mind.

I was silly to think for more than five seconds that I was going to stay here in Texas without TJ to fulfill some dream to dance on a football field. I was silly to overcommit myself to too many jobs and to create an individual plan that didn't include my two sidekicks. As much as I complain in the off season about packing and moving...and yes, it's stressful....it's really exciting to be able to pack up and move to a new city. To start brand new. To meet new people. To try new foods. To learn new sayings or languages. To experience new parts of the world with my best friend.

And maybe we'll stay in Texas? What do I know about six months from now?

What I do know is that I cannot wait to celebrate my first year of marriage with my husband. That we both have 'the fever' and are ready to bring a Baby Fox into the world. Life is happy and very exciting when you stop comparing it to the past. My priorities and my happy have changed. And that's finally okay with me. 


What is your 'happy'?
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19 comments

  1. I love when you write like this Kym.  I've found myself thinking about the same things the past few years and I think most if it is just growing pains. We're different people than we were 10 years ago, or even five years ago. So it makes perfect sense that the things that made us happy back then, might not do the trick today. My heart was set on law school, since I can remember. Every decision I made was with law school in mind. But then I met the hubs, and we started this new, different life together. Now, I don't know that I'll ever get to fulfill the dream of going to law school ... but I know I'll find something else to fill that void. Something else that will make me just as happy.

    I'm proud of you for taking so many new things on this season - but I am also proud of you for making the super difficult decision to lighten your load. I know that you had to make some of those decisions with a heavy heart ... but I also know that you will be happier without the crazy schedule and the added stress.

    No go practice making baby foxes!

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  2. Amazing post Kym. Been going through a lot of changes of my own and have been struggling to find the balance between my dreams and actual happy. This was much needed, thank you!

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  3. I'm so glad you got this out of my post.  xoxo


    I have this little grey cat that came out of a box of Rose Tea - they used to put these little ceramic animals in their tea boxes and we collected them.  When I was little, I had some trouble with school; I'd get really nervous about using the bathroom or eating at school, and so every now and then I'd come home having walked the mile home desperately needing to go to the bathroom (I swear this has a point).  My mom sent me that little cat in my lunchbox with a note that said "This above all: to thine own self be true."  I still have that little cat, and I still look at it every now and then, and carry it with me in my purse to events where I'm feeling nervous or unsettled. Not only does it remind me I have an amazing mom who apparently thought Shakespeare quotes were the way to go with elementary school kids, but it also reminds me to listen to MYSELF, and to continually check in to hear what I need, not anyone else, even if that "anyone else" is a past version of myself.  

    This above all: to thine own self be true.

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  4. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this post!!

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  5. Good for you. It's amazing when you realize what you thought you wanted (and sometimes other people expect) is really true. I have 2 kids and thought I need to go back to work and "earn my keep". After 6 months of running around like a chicken with my head cut off I realized NOONE in my house was happy. My hubby did the taxes and my net pay was less than it cost us in taxes. My kids missed me ( as my daughter put it my job is to make sure all her needs are met). Yup she's a princess but she is my princess! I decided that it was more moorland for my kids to have homemade treats in their lunches (I LOVE to bake), healthy happy mealtime and a clean house! I have a fancy towel in my kitchen that says "if mama ain't happy aint nobody happy!". These are words to live by. I am back as a stay at home mom with a happy hubby and 2 happy kids! That to me is more important than anything!

    I am glad you decided what was truly worth your time and energy! Good luck!

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  6. FromkristenwithloveFebruary 21, 2012 at 6:15 PM

    Glad you are finding your "happy" again. It's weird how we think that what once made us happy will make us happy again, when that isn't always the case. 

    I've missed your blogging! 

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  7. Thank you, thank you!  For the past year and a half I have been trying to figure out "what's wrong with me" and why I can't just fit back into my old life in my home state after being gone for 5 years.  Maybe I've just grown into someone new and I'm not supposed to fit back where I was. 

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  8. YAY!!! SO glad you found YOUR happy!!! :) A BABY FOX! Yeah... that was my big take away... haha kidding. Kind of. 

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  9. Real cute, Kym. It's been awhile since I've stumbled across your blog, but I'm happy I did.

    You know, you may not be be blocking out the problems that plagued your previous life... maybe it's something much more simple. You were creating a life that would be perfect for you five years ago. Except those five years have passed. And you have changed. And you're simply not the same person anymore!

    I can really realte to the struggle though. Sometimes I find myself fighting for independance from my bf (ie. applying to school across the country when his business forces him to stay here) when I really don't need or want to; I'm just too cautious and worried that I'm "giving it all up for him" and being a bad Feminist. Geeez. It's tough being a girl! :)

    happy you're happy though, and glad I rediscovered your blog. PS. is Travel Babbles still around? or is this the new one?

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  10. Amen sista! :) Funny how life takes you in places you never though you'd be (and I'm not talking location). Crossing my fingers that this season flies by and you and TJ can sit back and enjoy the summer!

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  11. Amazing post! You (and Courtney) just inspired tomorrow's post! Thank you for that! Glad you have discovered your happy!

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  12. oh gosh this spoke to me SO much today. because ive been really struggling with looking at my past life and feeling like im not doing enough, that i was happier then, than i am now. That i was working, studying, taking the dog out every day, etc etc etc..and now i have a masters degree in a country i dont/cant work in..and i spend days blogging etc (which i love) but yet was yearning for my old life..and why? i have a man i LOVE, and i get to travel the world and document it..and one day when im home in the USA again ill yearn for this time..ugh i could go on and on..u just needed this reminder to be content in the now, knowing our idea of happiness changes as we change. and thats okay.

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  13. Love this post. My last few years were pretty on the go for work - traveling weekly and working long hours. Not much else. I've cut way back on my travel and am back to working a regular 40 hour(ish) work week. I take care of me now. Spending time with my family makes me happiest. Singing "Baby, Baby" with my 7 year old niece always brings a smile. Hanging out in my PJ's til noon on the weekends. Date nights with my husband. Coyotes hockey and Diamondbacks baseball. I reminded myself I have a good life and now I am enjoying it!

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  14. Hey lady! Found ya from Megan's blog Across the Pond :-) Loooove what you got goin on over here!

    xo,
    your newest follower,
    Amira
    amiragray.blogspot.com

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  15. I just got your blog from over at Across the Pond and I saw you're currently living in the DFW area, where I live. I also saw that your husband does hockey, which I think is incredible! My fiance LOVES watching hockey. I just thought I would drop by and say hello!

    -Tiffany
    P.S. My blog is http://theunlost-wanderer.blogspot.com/

    Have a great weekend! :D

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  16. oh my gosh! i just did a post on happiness! id love for you to check it out and send me an email with your things that make you happy so i can do a guest post for you! love your blog!

    http://xoxo-carolinalove.blogspot.com

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  17. Lovely blog and wise words! Thanks for sharing.

    XO,
    Catherine
    FEST (a new blog about food, style & travel)

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  18. new follower [and fellow bulldog momma - sidenote: Brutus is adorable], just wanted to say I love your blog and I can't wait to follow along as you go on this journey and so many others... 

    I'm having similar struggles [or so I assume] with the idea of "what has made me happy versus what is going to make me happy" - for me, I'm pregnant with my first child and torn between the career I worked so hard for and not wanting to have someone else raise my child

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  19. what an amazing post. I feel completely the same and have been wanting to blog about something of the sort. Just stumbled upon your blog and love it. 

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I love reading your thoughts and opinions and I do try to answer all comments and questions. If you would like to contact me directly feel free to email me at kymberly_fox@yahoo.com, on Instagram @kymberly_fox, or at Facebook.com/KymFox86 :)

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