March 21, 2013

What You Shouldn't Say To Someone Who Has Had A Miscarriage

The influx of love and support that I've received over the past couple of days has meant so much. 

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart - THANK YOU

Being that we're currently in Germany - everyone, even my family and friends back home in Massachusetts - have had to send their love and hugs through the phone or via text massage, Facebook message or Skype. 

It's been difficult, but we're getting better. 

TJ and I are laughing again. We're looking forward to tomorrow. We're carrying on. 

A few people who have contacted me have mentioned how strong I am for sharing my story here. I guess, because I often have to sort my feelings, emotions and experiences out through words, it never really occurred to me that it was a "strong" thing to do before I hit the "publish" button and told the entire cyberspace world that I miscarried our baby. 

As therapeutic as it was for me to share, I wanted other women who have been in my situation, or other women who someday find themselves in my situation, to know that they can talk out loud about their loss ... and to know that they are not alone. 

Too many women have suffered in silence, which is evident by the countless messages that I have received from such women who have felt like they couldn't or shouldn't share their early pregnancy loss ... many women wanted to extend a virtual shoulder to cry on if I needed it, so that I wouldn't feel alone like they did when they lost their babies so early on. It's difficult telling people you've miscarried when you hadn't even announced that you were pregnant yet, you know?
  
Sure, delivering a stillborn baby at 31 weeks is a little bit different than having a miscarriage at 11 weeks, but the loss of a baby at any week is as real as when you see the two lines on a pregnancy test. 

A baby is a baby. A loss is a loss. 

And the taboo of speaking out about early miscarriages needs to be broken. 

via

I understand that just the word "miscarriage" in itself makes people uncomfortable. 
  
It's a very sad, confusing, and emotional subject to talk about. 

But let me tell you something - if someone that you care about has experienced a miscarriage, the one thing that you shouldn't say is to not say anything at all
  
These angels need to be acknowledged, and their mothers need to feel supported - not alone. 

Many of the messages that I've received that have touched my soul were as simple as this:

"I know there's nothing I can say or do to make you feel better, but know that I am thinking of you, keeping you in my prayers and hoping you can find happiness sooner rather than later."

Nothing more. Nothing less ... there really isn't anything that you can say or do to take the pain away from the woman who has experienced the loss of her child, but you can offer your love and emotional support ... and that is more than enough for a woman who is grieving.

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This is the last time that I intend on writing in depth about my miscarriage. I can't promise that it won't ever come up again, but I like for Travel Babbles to be my happy place. From here on out, I'll be switching back to "regularly scheduled programming" and sharing the many things that make me smile. Thank you again for your love and support during this difficult time. xo
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18 comments

  1. very well put. a new happiness is always just around the corner <3

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  2. This is a great point. Sometimes people truly are insensitive to things and try to avoid saying something and that can truly be worse. Thank you so much for your thoughts and sharing. Please know that many thoughts and prayers, including mine are with y'all in these next days, weeks, and months ahead. Many blessings and thoughts in this time of healing.
    :) Rebecca

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  3. Praying for you, girl. What a beautiful post <3

    xo

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  4. You are the third one of my bloggy friends in the last month to blog about this. It's so awful and I just wish there was something I could do or say to make you feel better. I'm praying for you!

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  5. Like you said in the last paragraph, some of us may not know what to say but we are thinking about you and praying for your healing and peace. I've had two friends lose babies as mine continues to grow and I was at loss for words with them but realized what they needed was a hug, someone to cry with... not everyone is looking for an opinion but just a friend to stand by!

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  6. I'm so sorry for your loss. Lots of my friends have had miscarriages and while I can't pretend to understand, I'm thinking about you and sending love and happy thoughts your way.

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  7. You go girl! Cant' wait to get back to the "regularly scheduled programming" after this sad breaking news! Love and best wishes to all!
    Xoxo,
    M

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  8. So so happy to hear that things are getting better! And those people who told you were strong were absolutely right. I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about it, but I can only imagine how difficult it would be. However, I'm like you and I get through things by writing/talking about them, so I guess it just made sense to me. Thanks again for sharing your story. Hope you're home soon with your friends and family!

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  9. I tried leaving a comment when I read your first post and for some reason could not get on your site that day. As someone who has been trying to conceive for nearly 9 years, my heart broke for you when I read your post. I had no clue what you were experiencing and hoped and prayed I never would. I told my husband about you that night. I lay in bed that night with my hands on my belly praying that my baby was ok. I was suddenly anxious to get to my OB appointment - just two days away. I had already heard the heartbeat at 6 weeks and wanted to hear it again to confirm everything was ok. As I sat in the waiting room yesterday, I even told my mom about you. I could not seem to get you out of my head, heart or prayers. Maybe I should have taken it as a sign. Unfortunately, I now know exactly how you are feeling. As I lay on the table yesterday for my sono, I was 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant and told my baby no longer had a heartbeat. I am devastated and my thoughts still turn to you and my heart still breaks that I know now how you are feeling. I was encouraged by your post today and I too know I will heal. I mentioned you in my post and just wanted to share and let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers. http://runningwilder.com/2013/03/22/acceptance-and-time-to-heal/

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  10. Yes this is so very well written.

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  11. Yes!! It's one of those things that no one should ever have to go through, but in reality so many mothers do... So I'm sure it's comforting to know that your not alone even if it really seems like it.

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  12. This situation we're in sucks and that's the only comforting words I heard during my loss. I recently suffered a missed miscarriage as well and I've felt devastatingly sad and like the rug was ripped out from under me and my husband.
    I had friends who offered well meaning cliches because they don't want to see me suffer, however they fail to understand they are minimalizing my pain. In fact I wrote a post *very* similar to this.
    A loss is a loss, no matter at what stage of development. It hurts to lose your baby.
    I am so sorry you are going through this. Please know you are not alone. I've found comfort in talking to other women who unfortunately understand, through Unspoken Grief (.com).
    Please know I am here if you want to talk. Because people just don't get it and it sucks.

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  13. I am a first time reader of your blog and this is the first post I have read.
    I must admit I am very inspired by your honesty and I am very sorry for yours and TJ's loss.
    Thank you for being so honest and for encouraging women to speak about their experience with miscarriages. I am proud to call myself one of your new followers!

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  14. Thank you for this. I think I needed to read this--I know a lot of people who have gone through this. I am over from Crowley Party. Your blog is adorable. and so are you! I am following! Would love to have you back.

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  15. Hi Kym, Just was checking up on your blog and read about your miscarriage. :-( Really sorry to hear about your loss. Hope your coping well. I look forward to hearing some good news in the future!

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  16. so sorry to read about this kym. i can only imagine what you and tj must be going through, yall are in my thoughts.

    ive had this conversation with one of my friends many times about not announcing pregnancy until 12 weeks and why? not sure if you're aware or not but oct 15 is national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day ... i think the idea that women shouldn't be afraid to speak about their loss is important.

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  17. Continuing to keep you in my prayers!

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  18. I just came across your blog and this stat really popped out at me. I had no idea that miscarriages were so common because not many like to speak about them. Im sorry for your loss and I wish the best for you and your husband over the next few weeks, months.

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