April 1, 2013

Once You Lose Yourself You Have Two Choices

Over the weekend someone DM'ed me a simple message on Twitter about how I "shouldn't feel pressured to publish good, happy feeling posts for my readers right now."

Those words stuck with me all weekend - (PS, thank you again, my friend).

I guess I do feel pressured, but not so much to convince everyone else that I am okay ... it's more or less to convince myself that I'm okay. I'm not sure if this is a healthy means of coping, or if I'm asking for trouble, but I guess I'll figure it out as I go along.

As I admitted on Friday, in the past couple of weeks I kind of lost it. In losing my baby I quickly lost myself. I'm not an alcoholic by any means (ha!), but I self medicated myself with a giant bottle of wine every single night for ten days straight. Those drinks made me laugh through each night - which is when my new reality hits me the hardest - and they helped me to fall into a blurry sleep until morning.

I realized on Friday while writing that I was quickly falling down a hole and that I needed to snap out of it. I'm proud to admit that I haven't had a bottle of wine in the apartment since Thursday. 

Holy balls, I feel like I'm in an AA meeting right now just for typing that last sentence! "Hi. My name is Kym and I have a problem." ... ha ... I swear I'm not as ridiculous as this all sounds ... but I am patting myself on the back for realizing that I was taking a slow turn for the worst and that I needed to pull myself together.

via live.laugh.love & kaybella on Pinterest

In a Google search that led me to blogs from women who have experienced a miscarriage, I read a wonderful post from a woman who explained that in losing her child, she re-birthed herself.

She went on to explain how she wanted to become the best version of herself, and to nurture herself like she had planned to do with her baby.

Loss changes you. 

Well, it's changed me, anyway. It has forced me to take a deep look at myself. It's forced me to evaluate myself, my relationships with people, my goals, my routines, my responsibilities, my priorities, my faith, and I'm sure a whole bunch of other things that I haven't even focused on yet.

I've learned first hand that this life, my life, all life, is fragile.

And I've learned that NOW is the time to make some changes in my life, and to create a life that I truly love living.

*************

I realize that unless you've had a miscarriage you probably can't relate to much of anything that I write about here when I write about my actual experience or feelings - but I'm sure that everyone can understand and answer the following questions:

Are you living the life that you always imagined? Are you doing what you love to do? Are you surrounding yourself with people who bring you up? Are you happy with your true self? 

If you answered "No" to any of those questions - what are you waiting for to turn it all around?


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14 comments

  1. Great post, Kym! And not just because you quote B. Davis ;) Something we can definitely all relate to.

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  2. I'm proud of you Kym! Realizing that you have to make a change is difficult for anyone to do, but you're doing it, and you have so many people there to support you. Good luck in coping with your loss and moving forward! Love from your home state! <3

    fiveleveninety.blogspot.com

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  3. This totally spoke to my little heart. Thank you soo much!!
    Rebecca :)

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  4. you may think that you aren't being uplifting and happy-feeling right now, but you really are.
    This is a beautiful post and I am really happy that you are sharing such inspiring messages in this tough time.

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  5. Your post today made me think long and heard and I thank you for that! ♥

    Regarding what you're going through I can tell you this, with time things get easier. I can't tell you that it'll be great because everyone is different but it gets easier you just have to take it a day at a time. ♥

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  6. Kym, I have to be honest. I don't think there's anything wrong with you self medicating and writing fake happy posts to help you cope. They may not be positive coping skills. But who cares! You can deal with your pain when the time is right. And one day you will wake up and say okay, I'm ready to deal with it. But until then, have that bottle of wine. As long as it doesn't turn into a problem, then let yourself be in denial. Because denial is a normal part of the grieving process, and you are grieving.

    XO Jenna

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  7. oh girl I think EVERYONE needs a reality check the yes life is fragile, so we need to reevaluate how we spend our time. My sister had 2 miscarriages BUT happy to say she also has 3 beautiful kids now :)

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  8. I don't think you sound silly at all! And you should pat yourself on the back for realizing things and changing them. A lot of people don't and are worse off for it. And while I've never had a miscarriage, I have experienced loss and I completely understand how it can change you. You're on the right track! :)

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  9. It is so true. I have a lot of changes to make, because I can barely answer any of the questions with yes. I have been and am still lethargic in a way though that prevents me from making some painful decisions in order to find greater happiness in the future though. I hope you can turn some things around for yourself and take away something from this loss other than what it is, a loss. I don't think a front is necessary for anyone, because the worst thing that could happen is that a few people stop reading your posts..and that would be bad, how? I think you should do whatever YOU feel is right and needed, regardless of how others feel about it.

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  10. This is all so true. Loss changed me in more than ways that I can count. It has made me stronger as well. HUGS!!!

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  11. what a beautiful post. I've been thinking about those issues a lot lately, especially if I'm living the life I had always imagined.

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  12. I must admit - B. Davis got me through a lot of high school. Keep going. You make the rest of us smile (happy post or not)!!

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  13. Girl, I get this. I've been unable to write and post anything light-hearted, as much as I want to. I want to move on, I want to be better, I want to feel better...but it's just not there, yet. But I know eventually it *will* be there.

    I love that idea of rebirthing yourself. It feels comforting to think of this time of grief as also an opportunity to fix myself.

    I hope you find good healing in this time, and also do what what you need to do to make yourself feel better. If wine soothes for the time being, then pour yourself a glass (or 2, or 3). If reading makes you forget, then read. Do whatever it is you need to do.

    Thank you for sharing, and continuing to share.
    Hugs!

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