October 15, 2013

Our Baby Will Always Be Our Favorite "What If" ...

I didn't want my first post after arriving in Denver to be a sad one, but last week, Monday, October 7th was … is? ... was my due date.


Right now, in this present moment, I could be holding our sweet baby … or I could be uncomfortably bloated and still waiting to pop … first borns can be finicky and can take their sweet time, so I’ve heard.

I quietly acknowledged the day and let my thoughts wander intermittently off and on about how different my life would … should? … could be right now.

TJ and I talked about it on our drive here, and he asked out loud what I was thinking - How would we have been able to drive to Denver if I was nine months pregnant?

Simple: We wouldn’t have been able to.

It’s interesting where life takes you. When we first started trying for a baby last July, we were trying to plan for a baby that would be born in the off-season. When that didn’t happen ... and then we boarded a stressful crazy train that dropped us off in Germany, we changed our plan to try for a birth in Europe.
 
Well, that plan flopped ... and now we're happily back in the US this season.

So where am I at today, six months after that complete upheaval that became my life?

Well, thoughts from that German hospital still haunt me.

I felt like a specimen under a microscope that day. Yes, the doctors could speak perfect English, but the nurses could not communicate with me at all. I had no idea what was going on each time they walked into the room to touch, look, probe, draw blood, ask me to fill out forms that I couldn't read or ask me questions that I couldn't understand. I was referred to as "The American girl with the missed abortion" all day. I think some of them were embracing the opportunity to practice their English ... and I get that it's the technical term ... but no, I wasn't aborting this baby. I wanted it. And I wanted to scream each time that I heard the word abortion.

I will say that I'm thankful that all of this happened in Germany, far away from home, because I never have to pass that hospital again.

My body and my head have healed ... but my heart, my heart definitely still hurts sometimes. And I’m afraid that it always will because that’s where my baby will always remain. I guess I haven’t gone back to normal yet ... and I don’t think I ever will, because that whole chapter of my life has changed me indefinitely.


It’s weird ... some days I am confident and able to put the miscarriage behind me and look ahead to the future. Other days, randomly, it’s like someone pulled a trigger, and I grieve. Giant crocodile tears stream down my face and I can't stop them until I'm all cried out.

Most days I am happy ... but some days, I am a mess. Some days, I break. And I can’t help but wonder - is this how it’s always going to be? 


Trying to talk about a miscarriage with someone who has never had one before is difficult ... it’s not like you can reflect on tangible memories or photographs ... you can only cry and grieve about lost dreams of the future, and about an unfortunate situation that you will never fully understand.

My grief wasn’t, and isn’t, just about the baby. I grieve that TJ doesn’t get to be a dad yet. I grieve that my parent’s haven’t welcomed their first grandchild into the world yet. I grieve because my little brother told me this past summer that he thinks that it will be so cool to be an uncle, and he can't wait to have someone little to play with. He knew that I was pregnant ... and then I wasn't anymore ... and we've never really talked about what happened. I grieve because I wonder if it's confusing for him, and what he thinks about it.

I wish that there was a step by step guide about the process of coping ... but there's not. So I just roll with it and question if I'm half crazy, or if this is normal.


Am I scared to become pregnant again? 

Yes, I’m 150% terrified.
 
I know first hand that getting pregnant, seeing those two pink lines ... they don't guarantee anything. When I do become pregnant again, I expect to be full of fear instead of joy ... and I'm really not sure if or when I will be brave enough to handle that type of emotional rollercoaster again.


A few people have said that we can always try again. Others have told me that the next baby will be healthy, and that I will start to feel better when I become pregnant again. These words hurt - they feel like an abrasive pad against my heart.

If you've never had a miscarriage, you need to understand: Any baby is a real one. Any loss is a real loss.

Our baby was real to us. Our baby will always be our favorite "what if". We wanted it, we planned for it, we saw a future with it. It was half of my heart, and half of TJ's ... and it will never, ever be replaced. 


Today, October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Did you know that one in four women will experience a miscarriage in their lives? Each day, over 2,000 women will lose their babies. That's over 700,000 grieving women a year, a quarter of all women in this country ... and I am a part of that statistic.
 

As common as miscarriages are, they are hardly ever talked about ... but I am so passionate about breaking that silence.
 
I want to let anyone who ever comes here who has had a miscarriage or who is experiencing the loss of their child to know that you are not alone. You are warmly welcomed into a club that no one wants to join, and the support is overflowing. I have gotten through some of my darkest hours because of complete strangers who reached out to me to let me know that they lost their babies, too. I never want anyone to feel like they should suffer in silence. Please know that you are not alone ... I am always here to talk, and I'm only an email away

Have you ever experienced a miscarriage?
Help me break the silence by breaking your own.

follow me on: bloglovin' // twitter // facebook // instagram // pinterest
SHARE:

62 comments

  1. Sweet, sweet Kym. My heart still breaks for you just as much as I did when I read that post months ago. I can't imagine how that all felt and still does feel but I'm so here for you if you need anything xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Kym, I just found your blog & haven't had much time to "catch up" & really get to know you. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I have no idea how it feels to have a miscarriage or lose a baby. However, it's a thought & fear that crosses my mind for when the time does come for my husband & I to start trying for a baby. You are in my thoughts & prayers, especially today. & I know that with this blog post alone, you have helped someone! I can already tell you are a very strong lady!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Dear Kym, my heart still breaks for you when I remember what you had to go through. I cannot even begin to imagine how you must have felt and still do. Just know that you are not alone! Hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
  4. the way you openly talk about your tragic story is beautiful. i am sorry for your loss, but know that good things will come when it's time :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Kym, this is one of the reasons I read your blog. You are so raw and willing to share your stories. If only one person reads your words and feels less alone then mission accomplished. Stay real!!! Love Johanna

    ReplyDelete
  6. I only started following your blog recently so I had no idea
    about this. First off, and this is a bit
    beside the point, you are an amazing writer.
    I literally had tears in my eyes after I read this even though I have
    never felt any degree of grief close to what you are describing. And about the grief: having never experienced
    anything remotely similar, I don’t really have anything to say… but I’m sure
    you’ve heard everything before anyway.
    Just know that one random stranger out there in Chicago is thinking
    about you and genuinely praying for you.
    I hardly know you but if anyone deserves this kind of suffering, I can’t
    imagine it’s you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Kym, I read this earlier & didn't have time to comment but I've been thinking about you all day. You're so brave for writing this and putting your raw emotions out to the world. I'll be joining you in lighting a candle this evening.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm really sorry for what happened. I can't relate of course but I can imagine. Your heart will heal in time but don't rush it. Take all the time you need.

    ReplyDelete
  9. absolutely beautiful. i'm so sorry for your loss and i agree that it needs to be shared more in general. children that are lost, whether they are 22 years, 6 months or not actually born yet, still have a place in every family.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm so incredibly sorry. I don't know what else to say, but I'm proud of you for being able share that.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This post made me cry. I just want to give you a big hug! I'm sorry for your loss, but thank you for sharing your story. I know many women who have miscarried.

    ReplyDelete
  12. :( Hugs my dear sweet friend! Having been through this horrible situation as well. I know how you are feeling. I want you to know that you are not alone, you never will be alone.

    ReplyDelete
  13. this post is pure strength and so brave of you. thank you for sharing your story. praying for you guys

    ReplyDelete
  14. Your fears of not carrying to full term may never go away but I can tell you it's not as impossible as it may seem.. I had a miscarriage two years ago and this past feb welcomed my beautiful baby boy into the world! My entire pregnancy was terrifying but so worth it! Do don't give up bc there is a baby meant for you! If I hadn't miscarried I would never have my baby now I just think he was meant for me, I still think about what could have been often and silently celebrate hisorher birthday on my should have been due date. I've been told to try to forget but you can't you are a mom you just didn't get to be for long our babies were to special for earth they go straight to a better place.

    ReplyDelete
  15. oh Kym, thank you for opening your heart and sharing this with us. you are such a brave woman. sending you so much love.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am so sorry for your loss, I wish I could give you the biggest hug!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you so much for this post. I am so sorry for your loss. I too had a miscarriage about 1.5 years ago...and there still isn't a day where I don't think about it (either the pain from the miscarriage, or wondering what our little baby would be doing right now). Sending lots of love your way.

    ReplyDelete
  18. The day I found out I had miscarried, I sat in the waiting room, excitedly waiting for my appointment and talking with my mom. My husband and I had invited her along to hear the heartbeat with us. I was telling her about your blog and that you had just miscarried and how heavy on my heart you were. Ten minutes later I was in your shoes and it was terrible. Thank you for sharing. You can imagine how much it helps me to read your words, hear your heart and know I am not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I know this doesn't help, but I can guarantee you that there are people out there who there who have been struggling, just trying to find words to describe what they've went through and now they get to use your story as a place where they can clearly see their own thoughts and feelings, and as a place where they feel less alone. Sending hugs (big ones) your way!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Big hugs Kym. When I read your original post regarding your miscarriage my heart broke for you. It's so sad to think how often people around us are going through the same thing. My cousin just had a miscarriage and I wasn't supposed to know she was pregnant - it is so hard carrying on as if nothing happened. I just want to give her a big hug

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi Kym,
    I appreciate you writing this post. Such a difficult topic to talk about. I miscarried while in Czech Republic. The baby would have been born on the day that I was diagnosed with Leukemia. The chances that I can ever become pregnant again are at such a disadvantage. I pray for you to get that opportunity for a healthy, full term pregnancy.
    All the very best,
    Monique xo
    www.homesweetflorida.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  22. I can't even imagine how hard this must be. My heart, thoughts. and prayers god out to you.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I had miscarriages after my first son. No one seemed to understand why "trying again" was the scariest option. I went through it 3 times and wasn't sure if I'd be strong enough to go through it again. I had almost come to terms that my son would be an only child. I am happy to say that I was wrong. I went on to have 2 additional sons. A miscarriage changes you...but know that other women have been where you are.


    Thank you for being so honest and sharing your story.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Kym! I am so sorry. I just read this blog and other ones from earlier in the year. Seriously made my cry. I hope things are ok. These things will get easier with time. Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  25. Thank you for your very kind words, Missy - they found a place right in my heart. You're a good egg. xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hi Kylie,


    Thank you so much for sharing your story about grief and loss. I'm so sorry to learn about the loss of your father - I am no psychologist either (though I could probably use one, haha!!), but I truly do believe that the sadness will come in waves, probably for the rest of our lives, but it's totally healthy and it helps us to appreciate the times when we are happy. We're changed for life in ways that only few understand. Sending much love your way. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thank you for your comment and thoughts sweet girl. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  28. :) Thank you for those kind words Emilie - even reading them again today 8 days later brings a big smile to my face. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  29. Thanks for your comment Jay - it means so much, and your words found a special place in my heart. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thank you sweet friend, I appreciate it <3

    ReplyDelete
  31. I don't mean to scare you by ANY means - but it is so, so, so common. I never knew until I was so open with mine and the floodgates opened with women who had experienced the same. My reason for telling you this is that if it unfortunately does happen - you are NOT alone, and there is a whole network of women who are willing to stand by your side and life you up when you're crying on the floor. Of course we don't want to think this terrible, morbid thoughts, and I wish nothing but a chunky healthy beautiful baby for you ... but do know that if the time ever comes ... that I'm always here if you need me! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  32. Thank you for your kind words my sweet freund <3

    ReplyDelete
  33. It's a very sad, but very real statistic. Thanks for your thoughts my friend <3

    ReplyDelete
  34. Thank you sweet girl <3 I appreciate your words more than you know!! xo

    ReplyDelete
  35. Johanna - thank you SO much for your kind comment - it still brought a smile to my face even reading it again today. You're a good person and a good friend. Love!

    ReplyDelete
  36. You're such a sweet, kind person. Thank you for these words - they found a special place in my heart. Thank you for being you <3

    ReplyDelete
  37. Thank you for your kind words, sweet friend <3

    ReplyDelete
  38. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. I couldn't agree more, Chelsea. That needs to be quoted somewhere <3 :)

    ReplyDelete
  39. It usually leaves most people speechless! Thank you for your kind words Darlene <3

    ReplyDelete
  40. awee Rachel <3 1 and 4 is one very scary, but very real statistic. Thank you for your sweet words and for being a sweet friend <3

    ReplyDelete
  41. Ah Jen, I had no idea! I am sorry for your loss as well. Sisters are never alone - I'm always here for you, too! xo

    ReplyDelete
  42. Thank you for your sweet words, Maura - they are much appreciated! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  43. Kim,


    I am so sorry for your loss. It lights my heart up to hear from women who have miscarried but gone on to carry a healthy baby to full term. You are blessed, and I am SO happy for you!! My father went to a palm reader and she told my dad that she knew I had miscarried, but that it's okay because that baby wasn't meant to visit earth yet and that I will have a happy, healthy baby soon. Creepy creepy if you ask me ... but I believe now more than ever that everything happens for a reason. Go snuggle that sweet boy of yours. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  44. Thank you sweet friend <3 Your words are much appreciated!!

    ReplyDelete
  45. :) Thank you for your kind words Andi! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  46. I am so sorry for your loss Bethany - thank you for opening up and sharing your story with me. I am always here if you would like or need to chat! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  47. You are never. Again, I am so sorry for your loss - I remember you miscarried around the time that I did. I am sure these few weeks will be hard for you - I am always here to chat. xoxox Sending much love your way!!

    ReplyDelete
  48. Renee, this comment crept up into my heart and made me smile. This is the reason why we blog - to share our stories and to help people resonate. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me of that. Sending a big hug back your way. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  49. 1 in 4 is definitely a very sad, but very real statistic. The more I've opened up the more people have opened up to share the same. Thank you for your kind words and for commenting - your thoughts and time mean so much to me. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  50. Oh Monique - these past couple of years have just been so tough on you emotionally and physically. I am so sorry for the loss that you and Adam endured. I will pray for you as well that you continue to beat the odds - you certainly have a track record of doing so. Sending much love your way. xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  51. Oh Kate, I am so sorry for your loss! Thank you for opening up and sharing your story, as well as for leaving your kind words. Sending much love your way. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  52. Thank you for your kind thoughts and words, Kayde <3

    ReplyDelete
  53. Bri - thank you for sharing your story and for bringing some light into my heart. I am so sorry for your losses, but it makes me so happy and encouraged to hear that you went on to carry not one, but two more children. Sending so much love and positive light your way - give your babes an extra snuggle and squeeze from me tonight! xo

    ReplyDelete
  54. Awe Sara - I didn't know you read my blog :) Thank you so much for your kind words - they mean much more to me than I can express here. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  55. No, it doesn't scare me. I mean, it does but I know that is reality sometimes. Thank you for the sweet words! If I find myself in the same situation, I definitely know who I can turn to!

    ReplyDelete
  56. I'm SO sorry for your loss. I know all too well about how horrible losses can be. I lost my son Miller at birth, full term, nine years ago this Jan. And then after nine months of trying, I had an early miscarriage this past August. I cannot imagine having to go through a loss in a forgeign hospital.. both of my losses in the States were horrible (I was diagnosed with PTSD with my son). I'm sorry that you've never really gotten to talk to TJ about what happened-- I can totally relate. Miller's father was the same way. I am no longer with him and with my fiance now, he refuses to talk about anything and doesn't understand about loss or what I'm going through. Anyway-- I hope that one day you are able to have your sweet baby and that time will ease the pain of your loss.
    Just like you are "always here to talk", I am as well. I have been able to help others, am a published writer (about my story and my grief), and I hate for any grieving Mother or Parent to feel alone. PS- found your blog today by way of Erin's blog.. I just love her!!

    ugottahavehart.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hello Jamie. Thank you for stopping by and for leaving such a thoughtful comment. I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. I've talked briefly with TJ and he just says that he can't fully understand it because the baby was in me. I get it ... but it's still hard. Isn't it crazy that some of the best people that you can relate to are ones you've never met before? I'd love to hear more about your book!

      Delete
  57. So glad you stopped by my blog today and I was able to find you. I am currently dealing with infertility and going today for my ultrasound and hopefully scheduling my 3rd IUI for tomorrow or Monday. My first IUI was a big fat negative, but my second was a big fat positive .. twice! My 3rd beta test, I got the news that my number had gone negatve and the bleeding I had been experiencing was the loss of pregnancy. It was so hard. My pregnancy wasn't considered "viable" becadse it was so early on, but it was so hard. I wish you the best of luck and all of the prayers ans support in the world as you continue to try. I'm sorry if commenting on this post has brought you back to a time you want to forget, it you're a stronger person now because of this experience. Much love to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sorry for the typos. Typing on my phone, easier said than done! :-)

      Delete

I love reading your thoughts and opinions and I do try to answer all comments and questions. If you would like to contact me directly feel free to email me at kymberly_fox@yahoo.com, on Instagram @kymberly_fox, or at Facebook.com/KymFox86 :)

MINIMAL BLOGGER TEMPLATES BY pipdig