January 21, 2014

I'm Four Months Hysterically Pregnant. And It's So Funny It Hurts.

Preface: Dad, you should probably stop reading this now. For everyone else: This is the most uncomfortable blog post that I've written to date. Mostly because I've been thinking about the direction that this blog will take once I either truly do become pregnant, or if I go the route of writing about our struggles to conceive ... and the thoughts scare me. Will I lose some of my readers if/when I start writing things that only a "mommy blogger" can? Will I lose some of my readers if/when I start writing things that only an "infertility blogger" can? This is all very strange and new territory for me - but for the sake of transparency and keeping it real 'round these parts, let's jump right in: SURPRISE! I'm four months hysterically pregnant. And it's so funny, it hurts.

I recently started re-watching Glee from the beginning, and there is a scene early on where Terri, the wife of the Glee Club director announces her pregnancy and does the happy dance and tells her family the news, only to go to the doctor for an ultrasound to be told she's experienced a false pregnancy - a "hysterical pregnancy" - and that she is in fact not pregnant. She is completely confused because of her weight gain and food cravings, and the doctor informed her that sometimes when you want a baby so badly, your body will start producing pregnancy symptoms and hormones and trick you into thinking you're actually pregnant.

Well, hot damn. You all should start calling me Dr. Fox, because I've been self diagnosed.

Listen - I don't want a baby sooooooo (see: obsessed or crazy over it) badly - TJ and I are very well aware and in tune with the fact that these things take time unless you're 14 years old - and that your husband actually needs to be around during ovulation time and not on a bus traveling to Timbuktu for hockey in order for one to conceive - but quite frankly, I'm a little tired of the tricks that my body has been playing on me.

You see, for the past four months during the "two week wait" before my expected period, I've been experiencing breast growth (which hey, can't complain about that), weight gain (I can and do complain about that), food cravings, food aversions, nausea, and some other symptoms that TJ has requested that I keep off this nutter-butter confessional space.

I've had the both of us convinced for the past four months that I was pregnant due to my sore breasts and vomiting and exhaustion and overall feeling of being pregnant ... only to face disappointment via a stark white test that screams, "Haha, Bitch! Nothing to see here! Move along! Better luck next time!" 

It's been a real treat, let me tell you.

But this last cycle was the real kicker - I found myself three days "late" and mustered up the drive to the store to spend $16 on a pregnancy test, only to get my period four hours later.

Checkmate! Fuck you body, this game that we're playing really isn't fun anymore.

And for those of you who think that I'm teetering on falling off into the deep end: Imagine that you just sliced yourself a big fat juicy lemon and that you're sucking on it. Is your mouth automatically producing more saliva? I think a "hysterical pregnancy" is something like that.

I guess on the plus side, TJ and I still have 11 more chances this year to try and get this baby-making dance right. And you'll be the first to know. After my mom and dog, of course. Oh and TJ too, he should probably find out before all of you people.
 
But hopefully I have Baby Fox news to share soon. Fingers crossed. And either way, I hope that you'll all stick around.


xo,
Kym

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61 comments

  1. Imagine how much more excited you will feel when it happens for real?! Such an exciting journey for you! And hey, personally I think it would be exciting to be pregnant and blog, you will open yourself up to a whole new readership!

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  2. Praying for you love!! I seriously have this fear that I wont be able to get pregnant when we're ready, but you are right. These things DO take time!! Can't wait for some Baby Fox news!

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  3. Not going to lie, I thought you were pregnant with all that tease!

    And you know I love anything you post. This gal ain't goin no where. Sorry Charlie.

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  4. Ugh, so sorry to hear about your body being mean. I had NO idea bodies could do that.

    Prayers and love to you lady!

    And yeah, I won't be going anywhere :)!

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  5. Its weird how much we can "control" our bodies and make ourselves think something is actually wrong with us! You won't lose this reader :)

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  6. I so thought you were pregnant and I was ECSTATIC for you just reading the title!
    Thinking about you and I can guarantee you that I'll be even more ecstatic when the time actually comes!

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  7. Being pregnant would only open you up to that many more readers! I don't think you'd lose any either. It's always interesting to read about other people's experiences that may be different from our own. And good luck with the baby making!

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  8. I experience the same things every month, Kym! I'm right there with you and thinking very good thoughts for the both of us!! Thanks for this post today! Xoxo

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  9. I feel ya. All of it. I wish you nothing but luck. Use the internets to your advantage for support. Etc.

    And people will follow along. Don't you worry. Besides. It's your blog and you can talk about pregnancy tests if you want to!! ;)

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  10. You know, I became a reader because of your post about your pregnancy loss. I remember how strong I thought you were to share your feelings in this forum and how I wished I had the same forum when I had my losses. So no, if you start talking about fertility and babies and stuff...I'll stick around. ;-)

    And I feel you on the pregnancy test and getting your period hours later. Same thing happened to me last week. My period was over 2 weeks late and I was freaking the eff out! Despite my husband's advice, I got a pregnancy test because I HAD to know. Wasted $12 and some odd change because less than 6 hours later my period decided to finally come.

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  11. I say post away about your experiences! Its crazy how much our body can trick us, what a bitch sometimes! Best of luck, hoping a baby post will be happening soon :)

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  12. Wow! I had no idea your body could do that. I wish you the best of luck!! :)

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  13. I really really hope you manage to conceive! I was about to get all my congratulations ready, to then find out your bodies being incredibly cruel!

    I have poly-cystic ovaries and although have not yet tried for kiddie-winkles (I am only 21 after all and The Gentleman has yet to put a ring on it) I'm absolutely terrified it means I might have trouble having babes. And yes, you heard that from the girl that wants 12 kids... Cheaper By The Dozen branded me from an early age.

    Katie <3

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  14. I hope it happens for you soon :) I know exactly what you mean with those phantom symptoms! It's awful

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  15. i do remember that episode. and i didn't know that was a real thing but that sounds just so hard, im sorry you're going through that but at least you have a good attitude about it?!

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  16. I am praying for you. I think you would be a great mom, and I can't wait to continue read your blog.

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  17. I had no idea that could happen! Crossing my fingers it happens for real for you soon!

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  18. Of course I'll stick around :)

    Sending prayers and good vibes your way. When it's the right time and it does happen for you guys it'll be that much more special!

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  19. you aren't losing me! I love your blog!! I am trying to get pregnant as well - so I feel your pain

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  20. What a terrible waiting game! I can't imagine the stress of constantly thinking you are pregnant...although, it sounds like you won't end up on that TLC I didn't know I was pregnant, so you have that going for you!!

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  21. I hope it happens soon for you!

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  22. What why in the world would anyone leave this little space of honesty. Lol. Darn you body for playing tricks. That's the worst. Fingers crossed that the stars align as does your body and your hubby's schedule.

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  23. I've been there. I like to think positively. Maybe your body, with all of its crazy antics, is telling you it's ready. Prayers for you. I hope your time is soon. :)

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  24. Ughhhh I know exactly how you feel. Every month, same exact thing for me. And my husband travels for work too so there's that stress as well. It sucks.

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  25. See, this is one of those topics I know little, to nothing, about. All I want to do is send you a bunch of oysters, three bottles of champagne, and a slow jamz playlist. I know, I know, I'm fired. I'll come back tomorrow.

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  26. If you lose people because of what you write, then they really weren't supportive of you in the first place. I write about a variety of stuff and sure when people don't comment it makes me think, did I write something "wrong" persay but then its my blog, I can write what I want.

    Fingers crossed that your wishes come true soon :)

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  27. First let me say, I'm sorry because that sucks. It really really does. I've had two miscarriages and one full term, and it's weird the full term pregnancy was the one I for sure knew I WASN'T preggo and only had a mild flu. So...I say all that to say our bodies are weeeeeird little things. I'm hoping and praying for you both that one of these 'hysterical' pregnancies turns out to be the real mccoy.

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  28. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you two! On a good note, at least the season is almost over and then hopefully he will be home more during the lucky times and you two can get on the baby-making train! :)

    XO

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  29. Fingers and toes crossed for you!

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  30. You sound stressed...and that's your problem right there. You ever watch Shameless? Veronica thinks she can't get pregnant so she has her mom act as surrogate. Mom gets pregnant. All stress is off because there's a baby on the way. Then she finds out she's pregnant (after the doctor tells her it's not possible). She's not just pregnant...she's having triplets. Doc tells her this is normal. After the stress is gone, the pregnancy happens.

    You, my dear, sound uber stressed out. You need to work on de-stressing yourself. A lot of changes are going on in your life. There was a recent move. You'll end up moving again soon. You're trying to fit in to a new landscape...so much stressful stuff going on. You need to focus on your 'right now' so that it will not stress you out anymore. Fix every little aspect so you can get to the stress-free level that will allow you to get pregnant.

    We can't tell the universe what we want and when we want it. I know...when it comes to babies and families, the universe is holding out on us for a reason. We can bitch, cry, get mad all we want...it's not going to come when we want it to. When it's the right moment...that's when the universe grants our wish.

    A preacher once said that the universe has 3 answers: 1) Yes; 2) Not now; and 3) I have something better in mind for you. Patience is the toughest virtue in the world to have when it comes to making a family. I've been waiting a very long time for a family of my own...much, much longer than you. I'm coming up against the finality...the never being able to have a family. It's coming up sooner rather than later. You still have many years left before you reach that ending. In other words, you still have time on your side.

    Big hug, lady. Work on de-stressing...if anything, for your own sanity. I know how heartbreaking this can be.

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  31. I've actually experienced false pregnancy symptoms. Earlier this year, I woke up one day & my breasts were sore which never ever happens. Even during my period I don't get breast symptoms. At first, I let it go since I had started working out & figured it was because of that. But people kept asking if I could be pregnant & I guess that little seed of a question was enough because suddenly, I was getting random bouts of nausea & then one morning, my breasts had literally grown overnight. I was also getting dizzy spells at random times. The more I thought about it and wondered if I was, the more symptoms seemed to appear. In the end, obviously I wasn't pregnant, but it was the strangest thing that my body could just act this way just because I had been thinking about whether or not I could be pregnant. It was insane!

    I will keep you in my prayers & hope that you get that positive test very very soon!!

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  32. My fingers will be crossed for you. I'm going through this journey too, minus your loss, but I'm already finding it so hard to not know when it will happen. My mom says "that's the fun part" FUN FOR WHO?! I say? And btw, I'll be sticking around no matter what you chose to write about :)

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  33. We read you and follow you because of the uniqueness that is you, a baby or fertility issues will still be you writing, fingers crossed for you( and deep breath and try to relax a little bit, maybe that yoga would be good now).
    You will post funny stories about baby and brutus and how they experience life together

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  34. I can't even imagine how frustrating this must be/feel for you. I'll be reading you no matter what though! :)

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  35. High hopes for a baby fox! Don't worry about what your readers will think, some may go, but others will come by the masses!

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  36. OMG! I was just talking about this with my girlfriends the other day! You can also actually physically lactate! If you start squirtin...you better film that shit!! lol, but seriously..it will happen for you guys and when it does..it will be amazing :)

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  37. Pregnancy symptoms without the pregnancy?! That sounds like a cruel joke indeed. I recommend the book 'Taking Charge of Your Fertility' for everyone trying to conceive... I was fascinated by it! I also recommend Wondfo pregnancy tests (get them from Amazon) because they're super cheap and they worked just as well as the store brand for me! They told me I was pregnant a day before my missed period and I bought a store brand just to confirm... waste of $20, they definitely said the same thing! Good luck, my fingers are crossed for you!!!

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  38. I love that you shared this. It's fascinating and I can definitely relate - I don't think I have exactly the same thing, but having baby fever can take over your life. It's all a part of the journey, though, eh. And don't be afraid to put yourself in a blog category like that. It's relevant, and I want to hear about your journey too:) We're all here to support eachother!

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  39. Ugh that would definitely be frustrating! I hope that a little baby comes along at just the right time for you two. I always wonder in the back of my head about all this stuff as well. My body is so screwed up that sometimes I just assume I will have trouble with infertility but then who knows. You keep us posted little lady!!

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  40. Oh, I hate that feeling. Lately though, I know we aren't ready, but secretly, I want it! Then I get the big blank test, and it's relief...then sadness. Just think how many tests you'll take to confirm that its true when you do get that extra line!

    ~Katy

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  41. OMG! I know ALL about this whole hysterical pregnancy stuff. It's crazy. Especially when you've been trying to get pregnant for nine months.. following ovulation charts, etc. And I'm not stranger to being very late, finally breaking down and getting a test, only to start my period minutes after the negative result slapped me in the face. It's so frustrating! And as far as when you do get pregnant or when you're TTC, I think you should be able to post about whatever you want on your blog and those faithful followers that really adore you will just hang in there and follow along in your journey with you.

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  42. So sorry you are going through this, but hoping for the best for you two! We will be here either way!

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  43. If anyone is deserving of a child.. It's you two! I'll be prayin for you guys!

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  44. Can you get hysterical pregnant out of sheer terror? I definitely want a little minion one day but NOT NOW, not when I eat fried eggs for dinner in front of Grey’s Anatomy in a shoe-box sized studio in the middle of Chicago. Derrick feels the same way, so imagine his dismay when I occasionally am not perfectly on schedule and have convinced myself basically to the point of bigger boobs that he’s a father. Probably not what you want to hear at the moment and I should probably knock on wood, come to think of it, for when I own a bedroom and have the life capacity for a baby.

    Also, I promise to keep reading no matter how mommy blogger you get because that means I’ll get to see some pictures of a baby Fox… which will undoubtedly be the cutest damn baby in all of blogland.

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  45. You won't lose this reader as I'm hoping for the same thing in a year or two. I've not purposefully tried to get pregnant (only married 7 months), but not gonna lie...I read several blogs of women who have had difficulties getting pregnant. And it terrifies me that it will happen to me too.

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  46. My heart feels for you! I can't even imagine the roller coaster of emotions you're constantly on, but I do hope and pray that you'll receive a blessing soon that was well worth all the struggles! Also, I read this blog because I like you and your writing. So baby-talk or infertility-talk or crazy-talk all you want, I'm sticking by you!

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  47. Holy Crap!!!!! I nearly had a heart attack with the post title!! I know when you want something so much and it's not happening there is not much I can say to help you feel better. What I CAN say when thus happens that you will just be the most adorable mam ever and baby Fox will be one lucky little one!!! Keep positive and I will be reading every step if the way :-) xxx

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  48. I really hope it happens for real soon! You deserve a happy, healthy baby! I hope you feel better, though! That kind of sounds like it really sucks and you're stressed out... Keep your head up girl. :)

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  49. And I know exactly how you're feeling! There were so many months I had myself convinced I was pregnant, and even though I got a negative on the pregnancy test, I kept telling my husband we must have gotten a bum one! Bodies can be so cruel! I think people read the blogs of the people they find interesting: I have been following bloggers through weddings, babies, and everything life throws at us or grants us! Sure, some folks might turn away from it, but you'll find new readership to make up for it!

    Sending baby dust your way!

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  50. Girl, I'll always follow your life. You know that ;)

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  51. Oh I know exactly how you feel!!!! Hugs!

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  52. Love your honesty! Hope you get knocked up real soon! :)

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  53. I'll stick around, I love the way you write and when you do get pregnant and have a baby, I feel like that exact way of writing will help me know what to expect when it's my turn. Good luck :)

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  54. I definitely can relate to this......about a month ago I was convinced I was pregnant (missed two periods and everything) but alas that stupid stick laughed in my face and Mother Nature did her thing not long after. Our bodies are cruel. Sending baby dust your way!

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  55. Kym, I've definitely been here before. When the doctors told us Jared's diagnosis we crazily tried one last time before everything that was about to happen would take away most chances of ever becoming parents. I really thought I was pregnant. Everything pointed to it and later on in the year I would start feeling what felt like a baby within me. I started to believe that maybe the pregnancy tests were wrong. I was going crazy! It's the strangest thing and the most heart breaking when you see that dumb negative sign. Hoping you are feeling peace again after all of that!

    P.S. I will stay here and read your blog no matter where life takes you. :)

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  56. Those damn pregnancy test and your body seem to be in cahoots with each her, I know how ya feel because it happens to me too! Sooo. fuckingg. annoyinggg! I finally started buying the 88 cent tests at walmart. I'm having the same issue. We want a baby too & it's just not happening right now. I have been off of BC for years and still have not conceived. In the past year or so we've really started trying to figure things out. I made the decision to share it on my blog over a year ago & it was a good thing. I only update every so often though, it's been quite a while since my last update but I'll have one up soon. I think any of your readers who care will definitely stick around regardless of what situation you are in and decide to talk about. :-)
    I am crossing my fingers for y'all!

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  57. If you want to talk about babies, talk about babies!! This is your space to do with what you want! And good luck! I'm sure everything will work out how it's supposed to.

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  58. Oh, so that's what its called! I was just talking about this with a girlfriend the other night. I'm already a hypochondriac so adding this to the mix is not a good thing. The brain does some pretty interesting things that for sure. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. And just a fyi, you're stuck with me no matter what, I will always read your blog. xo

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  59. I know EXACTLY how you feel!! My husband and I haven't been really trying but we haven't been preventing it for 4 years now and I have irregular periods so every time I don't start I get really excited and then those darn pregnancy tests just ruin everything!! I am always wondering if they really do work or not but I guess they do or else I would have had a baby by now ;) I have had a couple phantom pregnancies and they are not fun! I am sorry!! Hang in there but one thing I would recommended is not stressing yourself out about getting pregnant and the mental games that come with that. It makes it hard when you stress about it. I wish for the best for you!!

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  60. I'm sorry that you have to go through this, our body and mind plays weird on us once we decide we want a baby :-s The wanting and waiting always was the hardest part to me and you can only understand when you've been through someting similiar. Whether you become a mom blogger (which I hope happens soon for you and TJ) or a fertility doctor (keeping my fingers crossed that doesn't happen), I'll be here reading along, just like a lot of others who feel for you and keep coming back for the wonderfulness that is you and your honesty!

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  61. Just a thought: I'm ODDLY infertile. I have PCOS and Stage 3 endometriosis, however; I got pregnant twice after being told I couldn't get pregnant on my own. How? My Reproductive Endocrinologist is also a nutrition therapist. The man has like three MDs and is amazing. And he gets people pregnant ALL THE TIME by changing what they eat. Not all of his patients are overweight. I wasn't. (that's a different story NOW, but I Wasn't at the time). But my body was doing weird things with the food I was eating. He put me on a 60 carbohydrate/day diet. The carbs had to come from whole sources - winter squash, sweet potato, brown rice, whole grains, fruit, etc . . . The rest of my diet had to consist of NO, as in ZERO, processed sugars and NOTHING as in NOTHING white. I got pregnant with my daughter after following that diet for a few months. I'm happy to share more about it with you and link you to some research on it. You don't have to be diagnosed diabetic, wheat intolerant, etc . . . for it to work for you. But it really is amazing how much hormones are affected by the food we eat, and of course, hormones play the largest factor in pregnancy. I've been there. Now I have a whole gaggle of brats to show for it. :)

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I love reading your thoughts and opinions and I do try to answer all comments and questions. If you would like to contact me directly feel free to email me at kymberly_fox@yahoo.com, on Instagram @kymberly_fox, or at Facebook.com/KymFox86 :)

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